Living with the Chaos

Not many people will open up about the chaos that is inside of them. Being brutally honest about my daily struggles with my mental illness is therapy. Knowing that I possibly could touch someone's heart, and make them feel comfort is what keeps me going. By being an open book when it comes to dealing with my problems has had alot of downsides. People look at me like I should be locked up in a physc ward. Funny thing is almost everyone you meet has dealt with some form of anxiety or depression, but are not open about it. So before you judege me listen to what a day in my life is like.

PTSD is my main problem. Everything reminds me of my hardships I've faced. Those reminders turn into anxiety, and there is nothing on this planet worse than anxiety. The rapid hear beat, constant thoughts swirling in your head, complete crying breakdowns, and the feeling of wanting to give up just so the anxiety will stop. I have always ran from my problems, which constantly feeds my demons. I call my anxiety and depression demons, because saying I have mental problems makes people look at you like you are less adaquet than they are. Running from problems keeps you in that constant state of torture. Now I have finally began to face any difficulties I face head on. I have completely blocked out anyone in my life who has even a tad bit of negative effect on me. Some could say this is bad, but for someone who has to deal with anxiety it helps to keep any form of drama out. I keep everyone at an arms length unless I feel in my heart that someone really understands me. Even though I'm open about my struggles there is so much more pain that I deal with than I could even put into words. My boyfriend of two and a half years is the only one that understands me completely.

Even though I deal with my PTSD, anxiety, and depression from the moment I wake up until I go to bed I have found ways to keep me sane, and most importantly happy. People take happiness forgranted. Until you deal with one of these illnesses you will never understand that. The feeling of emptiness can drag you down so fast that you will not even know it if you don't channel this energy in some way. That is where my love for lifting comes in. Lifting literally keeps me sane. It is time I take out of my day just for me and no one else. I can finally mentally relax when I walk in the gym. All the chaos inside me seems to focus directly on the weights. That is why I love the gym. It is one of the only times during the day I feel completely at peace. You know that feeling of sitting on a beach with your toes in the sand, and not having a care in the world? That is how I feel when I am training. You know that feeling when you have 2 exams on the same day, and you are borderlining the grade you want so those exams are make or break? That is how I feel daily.

I know this article may seem depressing so far. I want to try to let someone who doesn't struggle with these problems understand what it is like. You will never fully understand unless you have experienced it. You have to train your mind. By training your mind I mean putting that negative energy into something positive. Blogging has been an amazing outlet for me to deal with my anxiety.

No matter where you are at in your life there is always more. You were meant to acheive greatness not to feel worthless. Fate has an amazing way of carving the path you are suppose to take in life. Always know you are NEVER alone. Even though I have a great life, and have accomplished so much I still have days where I let my demons win. Slowly but surly those days are spreading further and further apart. Focus on your goals. Be a fighter for what you deserve, and be fearless on your pursuit for making your dreams come true. Depression awareness isn't talked about as much as it should, and it is something I am so passionate about since I struggle with it. Just always rememeber you are not alone.